Memorial Day Tribute

It was a time when men were men and pigeons were pigeons, not the greasy balls of disease and feathers they are today. I'm talking about World War I and the pigeons who helped us win that war.
These noble American pigeons bled the Red, White, and Blue, risking life and wing to transport crucial documents as close as the front lines.
Today's pigeon couldn't carry this brave bird's bag. No today's pigeon doesn't understand what it takes to earn an honest day's seed. Instead they just lounge around amassing filth, polluting our walkways with their presence, and of course shitting where they please.
So today, as you are BBQing that chicken, think of the bird that made it all possible. We salute you carrier pigeon.

Hunting

As stated before, we here at Fuck You Pigeon do not condone violence against pigeons… except when you’re blasting those little fuckers out of the sky with your 20-guage shotgun! (valid state hunting license required, of course). Look at this little fella here; he’s earned himself a Fuck You Pigeon merit badge. Bag yourself 20 pigeons in a single trip and you’ll have yourself one as well, provided you are under the age of 18 and have a valid hunting license, of course.
Now all we need to do is have our cities classified as hunting areas and then (with a valid permit) we can blast away! You thought the NES Zapper rocked on Duck Hunt, wait until stroll off the bus and whip out your 20-guage and start laying waste to those varmints before they can lay their waste on you.
You squawking to me, pigeon? You squawking to me? Well then who the hell are you squawking to, pigeon?
I know what your thinking pigeon. Did he use all his shells, or is one left? Well seeing as this is a double barreled shotgun and will blow your feathers clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, pigeon?
The quotes you can spew out between reloading are endless… if you had a valid license in the city, because we here at Fuck You Pigeon do not condone violence against pigeons without…

If I've told you once...

People, we have to get on the same page. I have told you many times before, pigeons don’t have brains. And if they did have brains they would be so tiny that much like the bulls eye on the dart board, you will never hit it. Why do you think their heads always bob back and forth? Because they have no brain. Don’t ask me how the two correlate. All I know is that it looks stupid, hence no brain. Plus how stupid do you have to be to get shot in the head with a dart? Duck you stupid pigeon! Your damn head is constantly moving anyways. It shouldn’t be that difficult a concept to grasp.
Anyways, how do we know that someone actually shot this pigeon with a dart? How do we know this pigeon isn’t merely trying to accessorize. Maybe this pitiful creature thinks that the yellow compliments its black eyes. Maybe you should pick up a damn Vogue magazine and learn about real fashion, pigeon!
Maybe this pigeon is headed to a costume party and this is some sort of gag, like the arrow through the head. Trust me pigeon, nobody thinks you’re funny or cute and you’re just going to end up all alone in the corner of the party with your birdie cocktail until you’re so drunk that you make an ass out of yourself trying to dance the funky chicken. That’s a dance for chickens, pigeon! Just save yourself the embarrassment and go home.

A Truce

Yes pigeons, this is a truce. But don’t get all spastic, looking like a feathered bobble-head doll. This truce has an expiration date. Today’s Friday pigeons and I won’t be in the city this weekend, so as long as you refrain from violating the terms of this armistice – Article 1, Section A. No pooping on me on my way to the bus stop – then we are golden.
But lest you think this will lead to some sort of treaty, know this pigeons, I still have an appointment to get FUCK YOU PIGEON tattooed across my knuckles.

The sidewalk is not your hotel

I hope you don’t find this sweet or cute, because it’s repulsive. I think I just threw up in my mouth looking at this. Get a room pigeons! Or a ledge or something out of my sight. Just flaunting your sexual inhibitions for all passersby to see. He’s probably slipping her his little pigeon tongue. Gross! You don’t know where that thing has been. Holy shit are those giant hickeys on your necks? What is that? It's like Swamp Thing got to third base with you! Have you no shame pigeon? For a stale crumb any shmo off the street can have his way with you?
And when I’m on my way to get my coffee I don’t want to stumble over two pigeons making out in the middle of the sidewalk. You know I can’t function without my coffee. So pay attention pigeons, this is the city! You don’t see homeless people standing in the walkway playing tonsil hockey. They have the decency to keep that sort of behavior in the alleys, and you should too pigeon. And it’s not like you ever brush your beaks, and you eat debris and play in the gutter all day. Foul!

Don't let this be you

This could be your neighbor, your friend, your relative. Well, hopefully not your relative. Either way, these pigeons aren’t screwing around. They hunt in packs, just waiting to take down the weakest among our herd, like this poor bearded sap lying helplessly on the ground as these beasts devour his flesh. Imagine being eaten alive by a swarm of ravenous pigeons. Not a pretty sight. At least vultures have the decency to wait until you are dead!
So keep your head on a swivel my compatriots. These thuggish pigeons are lurking in our alleyways, just waiting to mug you for YOU!

War Propaganda

This reeks of 20th Century war propaganda. Where do I sign up? Call me another sheep in the march to war. I'm willing to put my life on the line to fight these vile fuckers. Look at that pigeon! We knew they had the genetic capabilities to direct their buttholes while perched, but aim their shit mid flight? With laser like precision? This shit is defying gravity! Good God! They'll be shitting on our children in no time! You thought The Birds was a scary scenario, this is The Birds with diarrhea! How will we ever be able to take our children downtown again? The shit has hit the kid the fan!
To rally troops against this act of terrorism, I'll paraphrase our former President, "America must not ignore the threat gathering against us. Facing clear evidence of peril, we cannot wait for the final proof, the smoking gun that could come in the form of a" pile of shit.

Yours always in battle,
FU Pigeon

We had a deal.

George Costanza once said, "Don't we have a deal with the pigeons?" Does this surly sewer rat with wings look like he's held up his end of a bargain in his filthy life? No, I tell you. Or does he look like the kind of feathered bastard that would shit on you with the reckless abandoned? Yes he would. This filthy vermin has probably been bathing in old motor oil puddles in the street, feeling safe because of our "deal." He probably contracted herpes of the beak philandering with creatures of the night and now expects to have dibs on my pastrami sandwich before I'm even done! At least panhandlers have the decency to ask. But not you pigeon, you feel your filth entitles you. You've turned our cities into war zones. Every ledge, archway and rooftop must be spiked for our own protection. For these reasons and many more I say FUCK YOU PIGEON!