A meeting with the Oracle.

As I was riding my bike down Market Street today lost in thoughts of attacking the Deathstar in my X-wing fighter, a pigeon flew up along side me. Part of me All of me hoped it would smash into a light post. But it didn’t. It just flew along side me, then it jutted its head and looked at me with its beedie little eyes. I swear it blinked, but that’s probably just the lack of coffee causing hallucinations.

It did look me in the eye and talked to me in its own non-verbal birdie way. It asked me where I’d been. Gone, I said. It told me I needed to come back to the trenches where I belong. The pigeon population is overrunning the city. This was like the bat signal, only it was a pigeon. The pigeon told me that I am like Neo in Matrix: Revolutions and this pigeon was like the Oracle. My nemesis Smith (pigeons) has multiplied and the Matrix (mother nature) can no longer control them and my help is needed.

So I will heed the call. I will plug myself back in just as Neo did and fight these persistent bastards. On this long weekend I will not rest and relax, but plot and scheme.

It's called social etiquette!

I've said it before and I'll say it again, who the fuck does this pigeon think he is? Labor Day was yesterday pigeon! You think you can just trot around flaunting social norms? What gives you the right? I don't care if it's your natural color. You go with the rest of your filthy brethren and take a long sewer bath. I know you've been itching to join your family in the gutter. But you think that because you're all nice and white and clean looking that you shouldn't defile yourself with that city bile. I've got news for you pigeon, underneath that shiny exterior you're still a dirty pigeon. A fucking pigeon in dove's clothing!
Damn imitation albino pigeon. You're eyes aren't even pink! You're fooling nobody pigeon! You will get no sympathy from me. And no I will not donate to your albino research center. That shit's probably a dump! Literally! You will not fool me twice pigeon. Keep wearing white after Labor Day pigeon. I dare you. All it does is make you an easier target.

RIP George Steinbrenner

We here at Fuck You Pigeon are about hate. It’s not Fuck You Pigeon, Go Yankees. It’s just Fuck You Pigeon. Only on occasion do we point out the lighter side of these birds, like on holidays or when we are looking for a moment of peace.
The remainder of the time we are pointing out how pigeons continue to stoop to new lows and what we can do to stop the madness.
So what gives this bird the right to attack this Yankee on the day their beloved leader died? Was this fucker an Orioles fan? Stupid birds. On a day when the pinstripes will be flying flags at half mast this little bastard has the gall to shit on the ceremony. I’m sure somebody in Yankee stadium was packing and hopefully he blew the feathers clean off that pigeon.
Either way the Steinbrenners might want to install spikes on the Boss’ tombstone.

Oh the humanity

It’s not exactly Auschwitz, but if you listen closely you can hear the goose-stepping of those foul pigeons. I feel for the poor saps buried beneath that mountain of shit. What were they thinking when they made their way into that dark alley? Did they squawk them into this dark corner? The screams when they turned on them and unloaded from deep within their birdie bowels, must have been horrifying. These branches scattered about make it seem like they could of been ambushed from a surrounding forest of trees. What kind of pigeons were these? I've never seen a pigeon in a tree. What are we up against here?
It warms my heart, though, to see that my brothers and sisters in arms shed these fiends feathers. They must of put up a ferocious fight. I can believe nothing less.
But maybe it’s the Ark of the Covenant that lies beneath that waste. Could it be that the sixth commandment is actually "though shall not murder, except for filthy pigeons?" These damn heretical birds actually think they can hide God’s true words from us? May they burn in hell!

Shoryuken

Yes you saw that picture correctly. No it is not a mistake. That is indeed Ken performing his signature move with the skill only an animated arcade character can achieve and torching poor Ryu in the process. Now maybe you ask how does this involve pigeons or more precisely disdain for pigeons.
That brings me to this true story, which I recalled after being buzzed by those feathered dirt bags twice earlier this week. Standing in a parking lot with friends, one of the filthy fiends attempted to dive bomb one of our group. He proceeded to execute a perfect Shoryuken and blasted that bird out of the sky.
At the time all I could think was, “How in the hell do you get punched if you can fly? If I could fly I would dodge bullets! Well maybe not bullets, but I sure wouldn’t get punched.” But that’s pigeons in a nutshell for you, stupid and evil.
So if you ever see a flaming pigeon on the ground, know that a shoryukenned its dumb ass.

I'm back!

Dive bombed by a pigeon, not once but twice today. Maybe my extended absence from the Fuck You Pigeon front lines has caused them to think they’ve won this little war. No! They probably figured they drove me underground to live in some sewer or the basement of a crackhouse. No pigeon! I am not like you and I never will be!
So it’s time to get back to taking the fight to them. No more being intellectual and rising above the pigeons to be the better species. That shit doesn’t work in arguments and it doesn’t work here!
These bastards are creeping outside the city limits. I see them hanging around porch stoops just being plain dirty. They are advancing on all fronts and it is time to fight back.
So I’m coming out throwing haymakers pigeons! Keep your collective guards up… or better yet don’t.

Memorial Day Tribute

It was a time when men were men and pigeons were pigeons, not the greasy balls of disease and feathers they are today. I'm talking about World War I and the pigeons who helped us win that war.
These noble American pigeons bled the Red, White, and Blue, risking life and wing to transport crucial documents as close as the front lines.
Today's pigeon couldn't carry this brave bird's bag. No today's pigeon doesn't understand what it takes to earn an honest day's seed. Instead they just lounge around amassing filth, polluting our walkways with their presence, and of course shitting where they please.
So today, as you are BBQing that chicken, think of the bird that made it all possible. We salute you carrier pigeon.