Penny's from Hell

In first grade this boy sitting behind me flipped my view of reality when during class he whispered in my ear, “Did you know that if you dropped a penny off the Empire State Building it would kill a person if it hit them?” No I did not know this. I pondered this fresh truth and was promptly called on by Ms. Marks. I answered Empire State Building, but I was in math class. That day I remember walking around looking up tall buildings worried that someone could drop a penny down on me.  It was torture!

Now picture instead of some fiendish teenager standing atop the empire state building, arm outstretched and penny dangling, it is this filthy bird, butthole outstretched and dingleberry dangling. This turd blossom would turn to nuclear warhead as it defies gravity, going 0 to 60 in 3.6 seconds. Imagine walking down the street, Christmas gifts in tow only to watch in horror as your arm is ripped off at the shoulder by this chemical weapon. And knowing the diet of these rat fuckers like I do, there is no doubt he is packing more ammunition than a gatling gun.

So beware city dwellers. I know myth busters busted the penny myth, but they never tested pigeon shit. Be vigilant.

A Wayward Heart

I had forgotten what it felt like to have hatred coursing through my veins. I tricked myself into a sham of an existence. I denied reality even as gooey little white and black droplets of truth rained down all around me. In my eyes the gutters no longer ran grey with the feathers of vermin. The sidewalk was merely sweating, I told myself each time I stepped in excrement. The city must have hyperhidrosis.
Then as I walked the park on a beautiful October afternoon I saw this heart. I saw only a heart and I smiled. Something that had been smoldering deep down inside of me for far too long (possibly that quesarito I had for lunch) made me look up again. Beyond that heart-shaped deception was the face of pure evil. I had seen it before and once again it looked smugly down at me. They thought they won, but that was only because they were fighting a blind man. I have rubbed the filth from eyes and I can see once again.

A meeting with the Oracle.

As I was riding my bike down Market Street today lost in thoughts of attacking the Deathstar in my X-wing fighter, a pigeon flew up along side me. Part of me All of me hoped it would smash into a light post. But it didn’t. It just flew along side me, then it jutted its head and looked at me with its beedie little eyes. I swear it blinked, but that’s probably just the lack of coffee causing hallucinations.

It did look me in the eye and talked to me in its own non-verbal birdie way. It asked me where I’d been. Gone, I said. It told me I needed to come back to the trenches where I belong. The pigeon population is overrunning the city. This was like the bat signal, only it was a pigeon. The pigeon told me that I am like Neo in Matrix: Revolutions and this pigeon was like the Oracle. My nemesis Smith (pigeons) has multiplied and the Matrix (mother nature) can no longer control them and my help is needed.

So I will heed the call. I will plug myself back in just as Neo did and fight these persistent bastards. On this long weekend I will not rest and relax, but plot and scheme.

It's called social etiquette!

I've said it before and I'll say it again, who the fuck does this pigeon think he is? Labor Day was yesterday pigeon! You think you can just trot around flaunting social norms? What gives you the right? I don't care if it's your natural color. You go with the rest of your filthy brethren and take a long sewer bath. I know you've been itching to join your family in the gutter. But you think that because you're all nice and white and clean looking that you shouldn't defile yourself with that city bile. I've got news for you pigeon, underneath that shiny exterior you're still a dirty pigeon. A fucking pigeon in dove's clothing!
Damn imitation albino pigeon. You're eyes aren't even pink! You're fooling nobody pigeon! You will get no sympathy from me. And no I will not donate to your albino research center. That shit's probably a dump! Literally! You will not fool me twice pigeon. Keep wearing white after Labor Day pigeon. I dare you. All it does is make you an easier target.

RIP George Steinbrenner

We here at Fuck You Pigeon are about hate. It’s not Fuck You Pigeon, Go Yankees. It’s just Fuck You Pigeon. Only on occasion do we point out the lighter side of these birds, like on holidays or when we are looking for a moment of peace.
The remainder of the time we are pointing out how pigeons continue to stoop to new lows and what we can do to stop the madness.
So what gives this bird the right to attack this Yankee on the day their beloved leader died? Was this fucker an Orioles fan? Stupid birds. On a day when the pinstripes will be flying flags at half mast this little bastard has the gall to shit on the ceremony. I’m sure somebody in Yankee stadium was packing and hopefully he blew the feathers clean off that pigeon.
Either way the Steinbrenners might want to install spikes on the Boss’ tombstone.

Oh the humanity

It’s not exactly Auschwitz, but if you listen closely you can hear the goose-stepping of those foul pigeons. I feel for the poor saps buried beneath that mountain of shit. What were they thinking when they made their way into that dark alley? Did they squawk them into this dark corner? The screams when they turned on them and unloaded from deep within their birdie bowels, must have been horrifying. These branches scattered about make it seem like they could of been ambushed from a surrounding forest of trees. What kind of pigeons were these? I've never seen a pigeon in a tree. What are we up against here?
It warms my heart, though, to see that my brothers and sisters in arms shed these fiends feathers. They must of put up a ferocious fight. I can believe nothing less.
But maybe it’s the Ark of the Covenant that lies beneath that waste. Could it be that the sixth commandment is actually "though shall not murder, except for filthy pigeons?" These damn heretical birds actually think they can hide God’s true words from us? May they burn in hell!

Shoryuken

Yes you saw that picture correctly. No it is not a mistake. That is indeed Ken performing his signature move with the skill only an animated arcade character can achieve and torching poor Ryu in the process. Now maybe you ask how does this involve pigeons or more precisely disdain for pigeons.
That brings me to this true story, which I recalled after being buzzed by those feathered dirt bags twice earlier this week. Standing in a parking lot with friends, one of the filthy fiends attempted to dive bomb one of our group. He proceeded to execute a perfect Shoryuken and blasted that bird out of the sky.
At the time all I could think was, “How in the hell do you get punched if you can fly? If I could fly I would dodge bullets! Well maybe not bullets, but I sure wouldn’t get punched.” But that’s pigeons in a nutshell for you, stupid and evil.
So if you ever see a flaming pigeon on the ground, know that a shoryukenned its dumb ass.